It has been a while since I've written. I thought I would catch up my life story real quick. I feel like I have to write on this thing to keep track of my life, like someone out there is religiously reading and hanging on every word, waiting and in agony until my next post. I'm sure that is so untrue. But that's how I feel sometimes.
I am well into school now, and not doing as well as I would have hoped. Life has happened. Doesn't it always?
I met a girl, her name is Arris and she was amazing, for a second. We met online, of course, and met at a Denny's. We spent 6 hours talking that night, and it took us forever to order. It felt like time didn't exist anymore with her. I liked it. Things got pretty hot and heavy for about a week and a half, then I met her boyfriend. That's right, her boyfriend. I knew about him before we even met in person, and I chose to chance it anyway. I knew I didn't need anything serious, and she couldn't have anything serious. Anyway, I met him, and he is... Weird. To say the least. He is about 6 foot tall, athletic and muscular, dark features, very very loud and abrasive. I can't handle him, he is too much. He has a bad energy. Which is funny considering he always talks of energy and whether people have good or bad energy. He is a scum bag.
Lindsey and I are seeing each other again. Not exclusively, but we are hanging out a lot and talking a lot, having mind blowingly good sex. It has been three months now since the break up. She is going to Colorado for 3 months this summer, June through August, to work for John and Allison. I'm really hoping that time apart will do us good. Help us figure out exactly what we're doing. But for now, we're both just enjoying each other, head to toe, in all our imperfections and simplicities. It is good.
She got really jealous of Arris, and that is when things started heating back up with us. We promised to be honest with each other from there on out, and that led into us discovering just how much we care about each other still.
Emily and I are planning a trip this summer, in June. She is driving out here for a couple of days, resting up and then starting on June 13th we are starting our road trip portion of the trip. We drive a couple hours outside of Phoenix to Roosevelt Lake to camp, swim and hike, leave the next morning at 5 am and head for the Great Sand Dunes in Southern Colorado. It is a 10 hour drive from the lake to there, and we will be stinky! That will be fun. We should reach the dunes around 4 or 5 pm, fuck around there 4wheeling, camp there, and finish out the rest of the 3.5 hour drive to Frisco the next day. We'll be there around 2 or three in the afternoon, and that night I am staying with my mom. The rest of the trip is to be determined kind of, but briefly, it involves two full days of Pride Fest, a Rockies game, lots of exploring Denver and the Mountains, time with my mom, nights spent with Lindsey, Tracks, Nederland, and of course at some point Linds and I have to hit up our favorite eating places. I really miss Denver when I think about it. It is a wonderful city. <3
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Work For It, Baby
I spent the entire day yesterday with a wonderful new friend, and we chatted and cried a little over lunch, talking of our past. We described good and bad times alike, as the tears dripped from our chins and we picked slowly at our food. We laughed and shopped, we got our sweat on at the gym, and had an overall fantastic day together. After such long conversations of the past, by the end of the day I began to speak of it as if it were in some way still my life. Instead of saying, "We used to love that place." I would say something like, "We love that place." It occurred to me that it is entirely possible to have the relationship I once loved and cherished so much back again. It will take time and communication, playing hard to get, and self improvement. It will take me being dedicated to myself for once. Getting in shape, taking care of my finances responsibly, getting into the habit of always having a clean home.
I am more than willing to go down this journey to find myself and who I once was, and improve that person and be even better than I used to be, because to me, that means I might have a chance of getting my love back. Being able to start fresh, both with new bodies, new attitudes, and new found confidences in everything both of us do. I think if we venture down this path and meet at the end, it could be something even more fantastic than the first time around.
I am also mentally prepared in case the day comes and I realize there is no chance. Only friendship. But at that point, I will be happier, more fit, financially secure, doing well with my studies. I plan on having my life in order before I try to take any kind of leap into anything, with Lindsey or not. I will be whole by myself, not needing someone to fulfill me, because I will be fulfilling myself.
Tiffany and I decided yesterday that in order to get this ball rolling and not let too much time pass by before planting the seed of love again, I must now play hard to get. Lindsey knows I love her, she knows I want her back and miss her terribly. I've shown her that and told her that, time and time again. That is not the person she fell in love with. That is not the person she wants. The person she met almost two years ago was cool and confident, not clingy in the slightest. So the master plan over the next few weeks/months (however long getting situated in a healthy life routine takes) is this: I will not text her every day. I will go days without contacting her, even sometimes when she contacts me. I will not reply to calls or texts immediately, and I will not post every day on Facebook. In the process of pretending like I'm happy and having fun, I'm actually going to do that. I will show her that she is not all that consumes me anymore. That I am happy and fun, and that she should want that in her life as much as possible. I will not be totally available at her every beck and call. She will have to work for my attention.
I am more than willing to go down this journey to find myself and who I once was, and improve that person and be even better than I used to be, because to me, that means I might have a chance of getting my love back. Being able to start fresh, both with new bodies, new attitudes, and new found confidences in everything both of us do. I think if we venture down this path and meet at the end, it could be something even more fantastic than the first time around.
I am also mentally prepared in case the day comes and I realize there is no chance. Only friendship. But at that point, I will be happier, more fit, financially secure, doing well with my studies. I plan on having my life in order before I try to take any kind of leap into anything, with Lindsey or not. I will be whole by myself, not needing someone to fulfill me, because I will be fulfilling myself.
Tiffany and I decided yesterday that in order to get this ball rolling and not let too much time pass by before planting the seed of love again, I must now play hard to get. Lindsey knows I love her, she knows I want her back and miss her terribly. I've shown her that and told her that, time and time again. That is not the person she fell in love with. That is not the person she wants. The person she met almost two years ago was cool and confident, not clingy in the slightest. So the master plan over the next few weeks/months (however long getting situated in a healthy life routine takes) is this: I will not text her every day. I will go days without contacting her, even sometimes when she contacts me. I will not reply to calls or texts immediately, and I will not post every day on Facebook. In the process of pretending like I'm happy and having fun, I'm actually going to do that. I will show her that she is not all that consumes me anymore. That I am happy and fun, and that she should want that in her life as much as possible. I will not be totally available at her every beck and call. She will have to work for my attention.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Someday
Well folks, I am trying to get on my way to a happier, healthier me. I have my first Brazilian wax appointment on Monday at 1 pm with an amazing friend. My next day off is this Thursday, so I'm thinking of taking some of my birthday money and getting a massage. The place I'm going to get waxed has a really awesome coupon where you get $100 worth of free stuff, 25 goes towards a first wax, 20 towards a first massage, 25 towards a facial, and the last 25 towards a mani/pedi. I'm interested in all of those! Not all at once though. But I am definitely in need of some pampering. I think after all is said and done I will be feeling like myself in no time!
I'm becoming increasingly more interested in the HCG diet. You're supposed to lose 1-2 lbs a day, safely. Basically how it works, is HCG (which is a hormone you produce while you're pregnant, totally natural and safe. You take it orally, a few drops a day under the tongue.) moves the fat around in your system so that you burn it. Because of this, there is minimal hunger while on a 500 calorie diet. Because in essence, when all that fat is being burned up, your body is running on thousands of calories, so you don't need as many. The typical diets are 30 days long, and you're supposed to lose around 30 lbs, give or take a few, depending on how well you follow the guidelines. The HCG itself is rather expensive. But on the plus side, you'll be buying less food for that month, so it evens out somewhat. So I will do this, and to maximize my results I want to do some light yoga, that way I get back into it also.
In other news, classes are going pretty darn well. No psych homework yet, which is surprising. I always freak myself out thinking I'm missing something when really, there's nothing to be missed yet! There is a larger project coming up in a few classes though, I think that is why. I'm getting quite the load from English though. But that's okay. At least I feel like I'm getting my money's worth :)
Today was a major milestone for me. I have officially not spoken to or even tried to contact Lindsey for over 24 hours! I don't think that has happened in the last year in a half even once. She texted me earlier but I ignored it. I'm realizing I'm always the one texting, facebooking, inviting out.... If she wants to genuinely be my friend, and a REAL friend, she can do some contacting for a while. Plus, then I won't feel so needy and clingy. I always get this negative feeling when I call her, because in my mind I'm doing what I'd do with my best friend, but I think in her mind it is me being an ex who is still in love with her. So I'm going to let that cool for a while. Level out the balances of control once again. God, it's been over a year since they were even.
When we first met, I had her wrapped around my little finger. She was head over heels, and I was just along for the ride. Somewhere along the lines though that scenario switched, and I felt like the needy one starving for attention, while she was out living life free as a bird. Well guess what baby, I'm taking back my life, my control, my freedom. Freedom to not sit at home and think of her, or cry over what happened, or let that heart break turn me into a bitter cold person. Things are going to get better than they are someday.
I'm becoming increasingly more interested in the HCG diet. You're supposed to lose 1-2 lbs a day, safely. Basically how it works, is HCG (which is a hormone you produce while you're pregnant, totally natural and safe. You take it orally, a few drops a day under the tongue.) moves the fat around in your system so that you burn it. Because of this, there is minimal hunger while on a 500 calorie diet. Because in essence, when all that fat is being burned up, your body is running on thousands of calories, so you don't need as many. The typical diets are 30 days long, and you're supposed to lose around 30 lbs, give or take a few, depending on how well you follow the guidelines. The HCG itself is rather expensive. But on the plus side, you'll be buying less food for that month, so it evens out somewhat. So I will do this, and to maximize my results I want to do some light yoga, that way I get back into it also.
In other news, classes are going pretty darn well. No psych homework yet, which is surprising. I always freak myself out thinking I'm missing something when really, there's nothing to be missed yet! There is a larger project coming up in a few classes though, I think that is why. I'm getting quite the load from English though. But that's okay. At least I feel like I'm getting my money's worth :)
Today was a major milestone for me. I have officially not spoken to or even tried to contact Lindsey for over 24 hours! I don't think that has happened in the last year in a half even once. She texted me earlier but I ignored it. I'm realizing I'm always the one texting, facebooking, inviting out.... If she wants to genuinely be my friend, and a REAL friend, she can do some contacting for a while. Plus, then I won't feel so needy and clingy. I always get this negative feeling when I call her, because in my mind I'm doing what I'd do with my best friend, but I think in her mind it is me being an ex who is still in love with her. So I'm going to let that cool for a while. Level out the balances of control once again. God, it's been over a year since they were even.
When we first met, I had her wrapped around my little finger. She was head over heels, and I was just along for the ride. Somewhere along the lines though that scenario switched, and I felt like the needy one starving for attention, while she was out living life free as a bird. Well guess what baby, I'm taking back my life, my control, my freedom. Freedom to not sit at home and think of her, or cry over what happened, or let that heart break turn me into a bitter cold person. Things are going to get better than they are someday.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
But You Won't do the Same.
So life has been insanely busy! I started classes this week (English and Psychology this semester. 4 Days a week total, only one class a day.) I am officially in my apartment and all unpacked, Just waiting on furniture! I've been in it for almost two weeks. That seems so crazy! It feels like yesterday I lugged all my things up stairs by my lonesome. I have a bed now. Thanks to my amazing sister who gave me one, AND I just got a kitchen table tonight! Yay work! They were going to throw it away so I snagged it :) Sure, it was disgustingly dirty and from a porn store.... But now it is clean and sparkly and in my dining room :) It looks so weird being the only furniture i have in the living room besides my TV& TV stand.
I also had my birthday almost a week ago. That was so much damn fun!! It was the most fun I've had in such a long time. I got a little drunk, went to dinner at PF Chang's with about 15 amazing people (With one exception... That's another story.) They snuck me drinks and I got even more drunk, had DELICIOUS dinner, and laughed harder than I have in forever!! It was the best birthday I've ever had, hands down.
Lindsey is as usual carrying on with life like nothing ever happened. She went to a "Ladies night" at a hotel tonight... AKA.. A gigantic lesbian party. Which is actually pretty awesome. I wish I could go to something like that. But it makes me really angry that she can just go on like this. Not be hurting or anything. She can make time for all her other friends but not me. I'm supposed to be her "best friend" that she's "ever had" but yet when we have actual plans for her to bring me the last bit of things because she'd be extremely close to my apartment tonight... She flakes, and wants to do it a different time. It just infuriates me that she says she wants to be real friends and best friends at that, yet she can drive 30 minutes away or go to movies or parties or clubs or dinner with other people, and when it comes to me, its' just not important enough for her to sacrifice her time or money. I don't need people like that. I'm becoming pretty close with some really amazing people here, and she is just bringing me down with her stupid positivity. I mean we were together for a year and a half. Is it too much to ask for a bitch to be a little depressed about us ending?
I gotta get laid.
I also had my birthday almost a week ago. That was so much damn fun!! It was the most fun I've had in such a long time. I got a little drunk, went to dinner at PF Chang's with about 15 amazing people (With one exception... That's another story.) They snuck me drinks and I got even more drunk, had DELICIOUS dinner, and laughed harder than I have in forever!! It was the best birthday I've ever had, hands down.
Lindsey is as usual carrying on with life like nothing ever happened. She went to a "Ladies night" at a hotel tonight... AKA.. A gigantic lesbian party. Which is actually pretty awesome. I wish I could go to something like that. But it makes me really angry that she can just go on like this. Not be hurting or anything. She can make time for all her other friends but not me. I'm supposed to be her "best friend" that she's "ever had" but yet when we have actual plans for her to bring me the last bit of things because she'd be extremely close to my apartment tonight... She flakes, and wants to do it a different time. It just infuriates me that she says she wants to be real friends and best friends at that, yet she can drive 30 minutes away or go to movies or parties or clubs or dinner with other people, and when it comes to me, its' just not important enough for her to sacrifice her time or money. I don't need people like that. I'm becoming pretty close with some really amazing people here, and she is just bringing me down with her stupid positivity. I mean we were together for a year and a half. Is it too much to ask for a bitch to be a little depressed about us ending?
I gotta get laid.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Insomniac
I move into my apartment in the morning. It is a little after 2 am and I have to get up at 7.. I really need to sleep and I'm truly exhausted but my mind is wide awake. My body is so sluggish and my eyes are at half mass, but when I close my eyes and attempt sleep it's like I'm suddenly recharged and can't hold them closed.
Lindsey and I decided to go ahead and sign the lease together. First of all, it will save everyone (me, the leasing agents) a lot of trouble because the holding deposit and forms we signed together are still valid. Two, I don't have to pay a security deposit because of our combined credit scores. Where as I probably would have to if it were just mine. Three, I might not even be approved for the apartment by my self because you have to make double what rent is, and I am about 100 bucks short. SO, because we are still friends, we are going to keep her on the lease, and take her off in a couple of months. They wouldn't be able to say anything then, because I'll have been paying rent already.
So we signed that today. Grabbed some lunch together and then went to Ikea to search for some good deals. I ended up spending less than $40 on quite a few things that I was in need of, such as a set of 18 dishes ($14), set of 17 tupperware ($4.99), 2 flexible cutting boards ($1.99), 5 knife set with holder ($10), and 6 drinking glasses ($3.50 total). It was a very successful adventure, even though it was like a mad house in there! I got some pretty good ideas for what I want different areas of my apartment to look like. I cried when we got home and started loading up the car with my stuff, because it hit me that this is really it. What i've been talking about and wishing for for months now is here. I will in only a few short days have the live I've been dreaming of for months and months. And Lindsey and I are over. There is no more us, and there never will be again. I won't see her every day now, and I'm sure eventually our friendship will start to fade because we both live such different lives at this point. I love her so much and I'm just really glad we got to have the time we had together. The good times that came from our relationship and friendship are what made the struggle worth it, and those memories continue to make this daily struggle to survive worth it too.
I've been talking to this guy from CL about a couch and a loveseat he has available for $50. I was supposed to go pick them up on Tuesday but I ended up changing my mind because I don't want to spend $50 on something that isn't absolutely necessary right now. So I emailed him and told him I had changed my mind because of financial issues, and he said he would be willing to trade them for something. I offered up my grill because I need to put it on CL anyway, it'd be nice if I could just get the couches and get the grill outta here all in one shot! Hopefully he is interested. If not I will try to offer him less money. He said they are just taking up space in his garage.. I also found some beautiful tables on CL from Ikea tonight. One very large and awesome coffee table, and one similar side table, $20 total. That would be fantastic! I'm picking up my bed from my sisters on Tuesday evening, I could get the couches that same day, as well as the tables. Then all that is left furniture wise would be a kitchen table and eventually outdoor furniture.
I am going to sneak Abner into the apartments because if I paid the deposit and stuff for him, it would be an extra 200 now, plus $20 a month extra. Sneaking is way worth it to me. Cats are easy to hide, not dogs though.. I'm having some difficulty figuring out how to actually get him into the house without anyone seeing though. I think what I've decided to do is bring him down tomorrow after work, which would be around 1:30 AM by the time I got back with him, put a blanket over his kennel and carry him in that way. I think that might be less traumatic for him than some alternatives. Then sneak his empty litter, his fresh litter, and scooper in in a big suitcase. That'll make it a lot less stressful on me also, not having to worry about sneaking in broad daylight.
I have an absolute full day ahead of me tomorrow and I'm slowly working my way towards getting no sleep. I have to get up at 7, finalize the packing (my car is stuffed full of stuff right now, waiting.), get ready somewhat, then head down around 8:40 to get to my appointment with them by 9:30. At 9, on the drive down, i will have to call to make sure that because I forgot to get renter's insurance on Friday, that I'm not fucked. I completely spaced it and realized this morning that I didn't have the confirmation number or anything for them today to sign with, so they said bring one in tomorrow.. but the insurance I had to end up getting says that it isn't in effect until the 11th, and I move in on the 10th. Hope that means they can give me my keys anyway, not that they'll have to make me wait until Tuesday. I'd have to unpack EVERYTHING out of my car because I am not going to leave it sitting in there on Mill ave late at night while I work. No way. They haven't been strict about anything else yet, so I'm really hoping they'll just look passed it since It's only one day and I have everything else in line.
So long as that works out, I will then go get a money order for the prorated January rent, get there at 9:30, give them the info, get my keys and a quick tour, then I'll be on my way to my long day of moving and unloading, hauling heavy boxes up stairs all by myself, then unpacking, coming back to the house to get the second load, and repeat. I work tomorrow night at 7 so I'm going to first unpack my clothes from load #1 and my bathroom stuff, get that all situated, then the kitchen stuff, and put the other things like tv and tv stand just in the living room for later. I plan on getting a lot of it done early on so I can spend the evening decorating and making it mine.
I'm feeling really brain dead at this point. I keep yawning and closing my eyes while I type. So off to bed I go, and I'll wake up soon to a new day; the one that begins the rest of my life.
Lindsey and I decided to go ahead and sign the lease together. First of all, it will save everyone (me, the leasing agents) a lot of trouble because the holding deposit and forms we signed together are still valid. Two, I don't have to pay a security deposit because of our combined credit scores. Where as I probably would have to if it were just mine. Three, I might not even be approved for the apartment by my self because you have to make double what rent is, and I am about 100 bucks short. SO, because we are still friends, we are going to keep her on the lease, and take her off in a couple of months. They wouldn't be able to say anything then, because I'll have been paying rent already.
So we signed that today. Grabbed some lunch together and then went to Ikea to search for some good deals. I ended up spending less than $40 on quite a few things that I was in need of, such as a set of 18 dishes ($14), set of 17 tupperware ($4.99), 2 flexible cutting boards ($1.99), 5 knife set with holder ($10), and 6 drinking glasses ($3.50 total). It was a very successful adventure, even though it was like a mad house in there! I got some pretty good ideas for what I want different areas of my apartment to look like. I cried when we got home and started loading up the car with my stuff, because it hit me that this is really it. What i've been talking about and wishing for for months now is here. I will in only a few short days have the live I've been dreaming of for months and months. And Lindsey and I are over. There is no more us, and there never will be again. I won't see her every day now, and I'm sure eventually our friendship will start to fade because we both live such different lives at this point. I love her so much and I'm just really glad we got to have the time we had together. The good times that came from our relationship and friendship are what made the struggle worth it, and those memories continue to make this daily struggle to survive worth it too.
I've been talking to this guy from CL about a couch and a loveseat he has available for $50. I was supposed to go pick them up on Tuesday but I ended up changing my mind because I don't want to spend $50 on something that isn't absolutely necessary right now. So I emailed him and told him I had changed my mind because of financial issues, and he said he would be willing to trade them for something. I offered up my grill because I need to put it on CL anyway, it'd be nice if I could just get the couches and get the grill outta here all in one shot! Hopefully he is interested. If not I will try to offer him less money. He said they are just taking up space in his garage.. I also found some beautiful tables on CL from Ikea tonight. One very large and awesome coffee table, and one similar side table, $20 total. That would be fantastic! I'm picking up my bed from my sisters on Tuesday evening, I could get the couches that same day, as well as the tables. Then all that is left furniture wise would be a kitchen table and eventually outdoor furniture.
I am going to sneak Abner into the apartments because if I paid the deposit and stuff for him, it would be an extra 200 now, plus $20 a month extra. Sneaking is way worth it to me. Cats are easy to hide, not dogs though.. I'm having some difficulty figuring out how to actually get him into the house without anyone seeing though. I think what I've decided to do is bring him down tomorrow after work, which would be around 1:30 AM by the time I got back with him, put a blanket over his kennel and carry him in that way. I think that might be less traumatic for him than some alternatives. Then sneak his empty litter, his fresh litter, and scooper in in a big suitcase. That'll make it a lot less stressful on me also, not having to worry about sneaking in broad daylight.
I have an absolute full day ahead of me tomorrow and I'm slowly working my way towards getting no sleep. I have to get up at 7, finalize the packing (my car is stuffed full of stuff right now, waiting.), get ready somewhat, then head down around 8:40 to get to my appointment with them by 9:30. At 9, on the drive down, i will have to call to make sure that because I forgot to get renter's insurance on Friday, that I'm not fucked. I completely spaced it and realized this morning that I didn't have the confirmation number or anything for them today to sign with, so they said bring one in tomorrow.. but the insurance I had to end up getting says that it isn't in effect until the 11th, and I move in on the 10th. Hope that means they can give me my keys anyway, not that they'll have to make me wait until Tuesday. I'd have to unpack EVERYTHING out of my car because I am not going to leave it sitting in there on Mill ave late at night while I work. No way. They haven't been strict about anything else yet, so I'm really hoping they'll just look passed it since It's only one day and I have everything else in line.
So long as that works out, I will then go get a money order for the prorated January rent, get there at 9:30, give them the info, get my keys and a quick tour, then I'll be on my way to my long day of moving and unloading, hauling heavy boxes up stairs all by myself, then unpacking, coming back to the house to get the second load, and repeat. I work tomorrow night at 7 so I'm going to first unpack my clothes from load #1 and my bathroom stuff, get that all situated, then the kitchen stuff, and put the other things like tv and tv stand just in the living room for later. I plan on getting a lot of it done early on so I can spend the evening decorating and making it mine.
I'm feeling really brain dead at this point. I keep yawning and closing my eyes while I type. So off to bed I go, and I'll wake up soon to a new day; the one that begins the rest of my life.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Groove - Or Lack Thereof
Surprise surprise - another realization tonight. I was driving home from work thinking of previous conversations I've had with coworkers and friends from the club next door to work, a few days ago. I was replaying the part in my head where Morgan said to me, "Maybe it's not that she doesn't like sex.. Maybe she just doesn't like sex with you."
That sentence knocked the breath out of me, I didn't know how to respond. I stood there looking idiotic thinking, Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
A few weeks before we moved to Arizona, Lindsey and I were playing around one night getting frisky with each other, and some how or another it came out that she doesn't like the way I kiss. She basically told me that it turns her off. Not how I've always kissed, but apparently my kissing style had turned from romantic and enjoyable to "porn star" somewhere along the line, and it turned her off. I took major offense to this statement. It caused a huge melt down by me, and much retracting by her. The damage was done.
Another time, here in Arizona, she had sex with me, and got up immediately before her turn to wash off her hand. She held it out away from her in disgust and when I said, "Hey, where are you going?" as I pulled on her arm and grinned letting her know what was in store for her, she said, "My hand is covered.. It's gross. I have to wash it off." I cried, yet again. She swore up and down that "gross" is not what she meant. She said, "Well what, do you want me to just wipe it on the sheets??" I replied with "Yes. That is what we've both always done." She didn't understand the difference in washing it off and wiping it off. I told her it was the fact that she got UP from the bed, naked, specifically to wash her hands before anything else could continue. I felt disgusting and I believe we only had sex one other time after that incident.
So there you have it. Her libido was low because of me. She had no sex drive because I destroyed it for her. I turned her off and appalled her. I'm not sure what came first: Her being disgusted by me or her falling out of love with me. In my head it went a little something like this:
Our once hot and fantastic-in-every-way sex became routine and mediocre, eventually becoming quite awkward. Somewhere along the way she lost interest, probably about the time I put on 15 lbs, which made me sense her disconnect and pull away also, which made it this even more awkward dance of quiet, odd sex. My confidence went out the window and I became a needy clingy cry baby, which then gave her none of her original reasons to be in love with me. (Which first consisted of my "perfect" body when we first met, my confidence, and our rock solid phenomenal sex life.) After she fell out of love with me, she began to get disgusted by me, how I kiss, how I fuck, which then made her desire for sex disappear. And wa-lah. Here we are. A month into our break up.
I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do with this new gained knowledge. I guess be single for as long as it takes until those scars are no longer prevalent? I'm afraid that if I have sex with someone else anytime soon, I will burst into tears, and then into flames and melt. I don't know. I need to lose weight and become healthier and more confident. With these extra pounds I feel sluggish and sex is more of a work out than a fun, exhilarating activity. I gotta get my groove back!
That sentence knocked the breath out of me, I didn't know how to respond. I stood there looking idiotic thinking, Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
A few weeks before we moved to Arizona, Lindsey and I were playing around one night getting frisky with each other, and some how or another it came out that she doesn't like the way I kiss. She basically told me that it turns her off. Not how I've always kissed, but apparently my kissing style had turned from romantic and enjoyable to "porn star" somewhere along the line, and it turned her off. I took major offense to this statement. It caused a huge melt down by me, and much retracting by her. The damage was done.
Another time, here in Arizona, she had sex with me, and got up immediately before her turn to wash off her hand. She held it out away from her in disgust and when I said, "Hey, where are you going?" as I pulled on her arm and grinned letting her know what was in store for her, she said, "My hand is covered.. It's gross. I have to wash it off." I cried, yet again. She swore up and down that "gross" is not what she meant. She said, "Well what, do you want me to just wipe it on the sheets??" I replied with "Yes. That is what we've both always done." She didn't understand the difference in washing it off and wiping it off. I told her it was the fact that she got UP from the bed, naked, specifically to wash her hands before anything else could continue. I felt disgusting and I believe we only had sex one other time after that incident.
So there you have it. Her libido was low because of me. She had no sex drive because I destroyed it for her. I turned her off and appalled her. I'm not sure what came first: Her being disgusted by me or her falling out of love with me. In my head it went a little something like this:
Our once hot and fantastic-in-every-way sex became routine and mediocre, eventually becoming quite awkward. Somewhere along the way she lost interest, probably about the time I put on 15 lbs, which made me sense her disconnect and pull away also, which made it this even more awkward dance of quiet, odd sex. My confidence went out the window and I became a needy clingy cry baby, which then gave her none of her original reasons to be in love with me. (Which first consisted of my "perfect" body when we first met, my confidence, and our rock solid phenomenal sex life.) After she fell out of love with me, she began to get disgusted by me, how I kiss, how I fuck, which then made her desire for sex disappear. And wa-lah. Here we are. A month into our break up.
I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do with this new gained knowledge. I guess be single for as long as it takes until those scars are no longer prevalent? I'm afraid that if I have sex with someone else anytime soon, I will burst into tears, and then into flames and melt. I don't know. I need to lose weight and become healthier and more confident. With these extra pounds I feel sluggish and sex is more of a work out than a fun, exhilarating activity. I gotta get my groove back!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Gaping holes
I realized just now, I am going to make myself sick worrying about who she is texting, what she is doing, who she is with, if she is falling in love with someone else. I am going to give myself ulcers! I need to stop. I need to stop obsessing. I need to stop caring. I need to breathe. I need to see a therapist.
Just because she caused me gaping holes in my heart does not mean I can allow her to create gaping painful holes in my stomach also. I've been down that road before and I can't allow myself to go there again. Ulcer's suck and they hurt like hell. And if I had changed my diet like I should have, it would have consisted of very bland food, which means my new favorite peanut sauce would be off the menu! I can't have all that happen again just because I want to care and worry about what is going on in her "love life".
I hate her though. I hate her because she is ok. Because she is not as heartbroken as I am. Because she's just moving on with life, and I am too in other ways, but I just hate her because when we first started dating she was the one who was obsessed with me, how amazing I was, how much she loved me. And here I am a year and a half later in love all alone, and she's moved on. I didn't care as much as she did at first, and now I'm stuck caring about someone who doesn't care about me, romantically anyway. I hate it.
It hurts my pride when people aren't as heartbroken over me as I think they should be. But not only that, in this case, it hurts even more because of the fact that I'm CURRENTLY still in love. Fuck girls.
Just because she caused me gaping holes in my heart does not mean I can allow her to create gaping painful holes in my stomach also. I've been down that road before and I can't allow myself to go there again. Ulcer's suck and they hurt like hell. And if I had changed my diet like I should have, it would have consisted of very bland food, which means my new favorite peanut sauce would be off the menu! I can't have all that happen again just because I want to care and worry about what is going on in her "love life".
I hate her though. I hate her because she is ok. Because she is not as heartbroken as I am. Because she's just moving on with life, and I am too in other ways, but I just hate her because when we first started dating she was the one who was obsessed with me, how amazing I was, how much she loved me. And here I am a year and a half later in love all alone, and she's moved on. I didn't care as much as she did at first, and now I'm stuck caring about someone who doesn't care about me, romantically anyway. I hate it.
It hurts my pride when people aren't as heartbroken over me as I think they should be. But not only that, in this case, it hurts even more because of the fact that I'm CURRENTLY still in love. Fuck girls.
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