Surprise surprise - another realization tonight. I was driving home from work thinking of previous conversations I've had with coworkers and friends from the club next door to work, a few days ago. I was replaying the part in my head where Morgan said to me, "Maybe it's not that she doesn't like sex.. Maybe she just doesn't like sex with you."
That sentence knocked the breath out of me, I didn't know how to respond. I stood there looking idiotic thinking, Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
A few weeks before we moved to Arizona, Lindsey and I were playing around one night getting frisky with each other, and some how or another it came out that she doesn't like the way I kiss. She basically told me that it turns her off. Not how I've always kissed, but apparently my kissing style had turned from romantic and enjoyable to "porn star" somewhere along the line, and it turned her off. I took major offense to this statement. It caused a huge melt down by me, and much retracting by her. The damage was done.
Another time, here in Arizona, she had sex with me, and got up immediately before her turn to wash off her hand. She held it out away from her in disgust and when I said, "Hey, where are you going?" as I pulled on her arm and grinned letting her know what was in store for her, she said, "My hand is covered.. It's gross. I have to wash it off." I cried, yet again. She swore up and down that "gross" is not what she meant. She said, "Well what, do you want me to just wipe it on the sheets??" I replied with "Yes. That is what we've both always done." She didn't understand the difference in washing it off and wiping it off. I told her it was the fact that she got UP from the bed, naked, specifically to wash her hands before anything else could continue. I felt disgusting and I believe we only had sex one other time after that incident.
So there you have it. Her libido was low because of me. She had no sex drive because I destroyed it for her. I turned her off and appalled her. I'm not sure what came first: Her being disgusted by me or her falling out of love with me. In my head it went a little something like this:
Our once hot and fantastic-in-every-way sex became routine and mediocre, eventually becoming quite awkward. Somewhere along the way she lost interest, probably about the time I put on 15 lbs, which made me sense her disconnect and pull away also, which made it this even more awkward dance of quiet, odd sex. My confidence went out the window and I became a needy clingy cry baby, which then gave her none of her original reasons to be in love with me. (Which first consisted of my "perfect" body when we first met, my confidence, and our rock solid phenomenal sex life.) After she fell out of love with me, she began to get disgusted by me, how I kiss, how I fuck, which then made her desire for sex disappear. And wa-lah. Here we are. A month into our break up.
I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do with this new gained knowledge. I guess be single for as long as it takes until those scars are no longer prevalent? I'm afraid that if I have sex with someone else anytime soon, I will burst into tears, and then into flames and melt. I don't know. I need to lose weight and become healthier and more confident. With these extra pounds I feel sluggish and sex is more of a work out than a fun, exhilarating activity. I gotta get my groove back!
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