Sex, Sex, Sex, Everywhere There's Sex!

Today was a really good day. I caught myself off guard with all of my positive emotions! I was feeling great about being just friends with Lindsey, I was confident in my decision about leaving, and again feeling that it was the right thing to do. I read a lot of that Sextrology book I talked about earlier.... Some how reading about my sign helps me to validate who I am. It's like I've been searching my whole life for who I want to be, how I want to move, talk, sit, everything. And when I read about my sign it makes me proud to be a Capricorn, proud to be just who I am, and no one else. It makes me see my quirks in a different light and not only see them, but appreciate them. My odd prudence is ok, something I even admire in myself now. I love learning about new things that are so Capricorn of me. They're not just this weird quality about myself that I've hated forever, but now they are so Capricorn, so me.

I totally broke the whole 30 day cleanse thing last night. I am thinking now, that I shouldn't stifle my sexual nature, but I should embrace it. That is what I was lacking the ability to do in my relationship, so what better way to regain my creative sexual spirit than to practice it by myself?

I found another book I really want from work today. It is called "Super Hot Sex". We've had it forever but it sounded cheesy so I never even looked at it. But today I saw it and thought, "I could use some super hot sex." I started reading and it is exactly what I need to hear right now! It talks about the differences in peoples libidos and how important it is to find someone you match with. I was under the impression during my relationship that it's bound to happen that you find someone opposite of you sex-drive-wise. I was way wrong!! Those relationships and the ones where you find yourself settling, and that is exactly what I did. I had all the other parts of a wonderful healthy realtionship, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a little greedy. Wanting to actually be happy in bed and out of bed, oh my! That is so farfetched! *Gasp!*

Not.

This new girl who was a possible interest is no longer. I decided that I am not going to settle next time. I am not going to date someone because they are attractive, or because they're funny but nothing else fits quite right... Or if I am not excited. That is a huge thing for me. I weigh the possibilities very heavily after the first date because if I walk away calm and not peeing my pants ecstatic about this new person, I am (and always have been) a firm believer that if you continue to see that person who doesn't make you excited, you are settling. I hate to say it, but that is what I did with Lindsey in the beginning. That is the reason I didn't see her again after the first date for about 2 months. I wasn't into her, I knew she could be a great friend, but the butterflies weren't there. Later I talked myself into calling her back up because she was pretty interesting, and she was pretty cute, especially with her newer short hair!
Never again will I do that. I am raising the bar and it's going to stay there. I told Morgan (my coworker) tonight that the next person I date will be very open and excited to try new things of all kinds sexually. Whether it's having sex in public, in the car, in the rear, with toys or without, in the shower or hot tub, in the back of their parents house in the woods. The next person I date will be down for anything new and will work with me to keep the relationship awesome. Because I will not date anyone who isn't like that.
(Disclaimer: I am not saying they have to like everything we try, but be willing to try it!)
I want someone who pushes my boundaries and who is affectionate towards me, in bed and in public. Not someone to make out with in front of people but someone who will hold my hand, or put their arm around me. Someone who will rub my thigh when we're sitting, someone who is out and proud of their sexuality, and loves being gay just as much as I do. Someone feisty enough to keep up with me but mellow enough to be lazy all day and hang out on the couch. Someone very sexually active and who cares more about making love to me than watching an entire movie. Someone who will have sex whenever the mood strikes, like say, if we fight in the kitchen and need to have a make up session, right there on the kitchen floor.

There are so many things I have been missing out on!! Someday this person will come into my life and turn my world around. I've decided not to search for them, but to just let it happen. Mingle and go out and meet new people, and see where life takes me without me forcing it!

30 day Cleanse

I cried tonight at a very unexpected moment. It brought back flash backs and feelings of the past and I realized that I am more broken than I thought. I have come to many realizations in the last couple of days. This is the most shocking of all I think.

I am broken sexually. I don't think I can have sex with another human being until I fix this part of me that is broken. I am scarred deep from this traumatic occurrence in my life. Sex is now an emotional thing. As much as my head wants to tell my heart and my tear ducts that sex is a wonderful, uplifting, awakening experience, my heart is cracked. It is beaten and bruised and I have to repair it before it can go on loving in any way again.

It hit me tonight. I can cry. I can miss the past. But that doesn't change the way that I feel, the pain I experienced during the past 6-8 months. That pain runs so deeply through me that it consumes me. I just have to let it consume me for a while.

I'm not talking about the painful break up. Rather, the neglect and rejection my heart and head endured during the relationship. It is hard to put into words correctly. The relationship started breaking my heart a long time ago. I am such a passionate person that I feel everything so much more deeply than most. I feel love and pain much more significantly. I am a torn soul and I have to mend myself.

I am going to go on a 30 day cleanse. I am going to detox my system of all the pain and harm I've caused it over the course of the last year and a half. I am going to break down sexual and emotional barriers I didn't even realize were there until tonight. For the next 30 days, I will not have sex of any kind, with anyone, including myself. For the next 30 days, I will eat only pure foods and cleanse my physical self as well. I will cry when I want to cry, no matter where I am. Because I am learning that tears are the bodies way of getting out the toxic emotions inside you. I will meditate. Take long hot baths, listen to new music that pulls on my heartstrings. I will live loudly and not apologize for myself. I will move on.

This is not about anyone feeling bad for me, or pitying me. This is about me. Getting to a place where I can have sexually awakening experiences, pure pleasure. Where there are no road or mental blocks.

This is going to be so hard. But nothing easy is ever worth it.

What else??

I got a glimpse of her phone today. She has a ton of texts to and from this girl Rebecca, her exgirlfriend. I am quite angry for a couple of reasons. First, I feel extremely lied to and betrayed. The entire relationship she swore up and down that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with Rebecca. That she was once in love with Rebecca (I don't see how. They were together for a month and didn't even have sex. Rebecca was pregnant and Lindsey always said she cared more about the kid than Rebecca..... The non-born-yet kid. Okay?) but that if she ever talked to her again it would be to see how the kid was doing. She told me after we broke up, about 3 days later, that she had added Rebecca back to facebook, that she had wanted to for a while, but was afraid of me getting mad. YEAH I definitely would have gotten mad because she lied to me, every time it was brought up it was just a big fucking lie. What else did she lie about?

Also I'm mad because the whole time she swore up and down that Rebecca was a terrible friend. That their relationship didn't even have that going for it. Rebecca was a flake. Rebecca sucked. And now they're like best friends. I made a comment about it the other day because she mentioned her again, and I said, "So what.. You guys are best friends now?" She replied with "Not best friends".... Not BEST friends??! This is the girl she told me she wanted nothing to do with. But really she had been lying to me for ever about it. Because she knew it was what I wanted to hear.

I am more hurt than anything. Betrayed.

PS She also told me a few days ago that she is not in love with me. Pretty much that being with me is the last thing she would want. When people ask if we are back together because we're able to hang out, she replies with an irritated and firm "No!" It's like a "God no why the fuck would you ever think that would be possible, EVER" No. So I guess her saying it would be a possibility some day, if things work out that way, was a lie too.

The Light Ahead

I am so incredibly happy with life right now. I have an actual plan that IS going to work!! I am going to make sure of that.

First, let me just tell you how excited I am to have bought a new computer today. Sure, it was $1400, half on a credit card... But I am so confident in my new plan that it doesn't even phase me. I still have money in my bank account, and now a brand new MacBook that I am in love with! Life is so great.

So the plan: I am going to be taking PSYCH 101 and ENG 101 during my first semester of school. I am going to take mid morning classes (One at 10 and one at 10:30), work PT at my current job from 1-4 or 1-6 depending on the day, and then the earlier days at Job1, I will get a second job working about 3 days a week from 5-8 or 5-9. I am kind of planning for job2 to be a pizza delivery job. That is a job I considered doing in Colorado for some extra cash. You work really short hours and make a lot in tips! The guy I was talking to in CO about it was telling me he can usually count on around $75 per night in tips. So 75x3 nights a week, times 4 weeks in a month=$900. I will hopefully be making around, if not more than $1600. My expences come out to about 1200. So that'll be perfect! No huge loans, I get my apartment, my computer, my schooling and very minimal jobs supporting myself! I will still do the $2000 FAFSA loan to cover tuition and books..  But that's all! Maybe not even all of it, depending on how well the job sitch works out. :)

I called a Papa John's (my favorite) today near my new apartment and they are actively looking for a delivery driver for nights. I asked about what a possible schedule might look like and he said it just depends on what I need. Yay! Someone who will work with me!! It is absolutely perfect. I applied online tonight and I will call in a couple of days to check on the status of my app. If pizza places here are ANYTHING like the ones I was applying to in CO, it should be very easy and quick to find a job here too! Woohoo!

Life will be grand. :)

New Mac user, Signing off :)

Burty

"You're doing the brave thing... You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure now. But you're not. You are marching into the unknown armed with... Nothing."

You've Got Mail

Sinking into the Cracks of Love

After spending some much needed quality time with my sister yesterday, and after long theraputic talks, I discovered something that I had not yet realized before.  My relationship was toxic. That may sound like it should have been obvious to me before this. But it wasn't all that apparent.

My relationship was toxic, for me, that is. For my health, for my emotions, for my confidence, for my body, for my mind and my heart. Everything that made up Whitney and why Whitney is different and the things Whitney likes to do or does not like, it was all stripped away. I went from being a healthy in control eater, for the first time in my life, to slipping and eating the worst possible foods after sex. To gaining 30+ lbs from my weight at the beginning. To having no confidence. To doing the extreme to try to gain back the previous attention and love that I so desperately was seeking. To eventually associating sex with discomfort and heavy heartedness. And believe me, NONE of those things are what I want to be, do, or think.

It also hit me last night that the reason I would ever want to go back to living a chaotic messy life like that, (other than the fact that I am living a very out of sorts life at the moment, still involved somewhat in this choas, having to look at it and watch the life I HAD walk past me every day) is because it is safe. It is what I've known for the last year and a half, and I think everyone at some point is a little afraid of change. So there is nothing wrong with that. But realizing it is a very important step in healing for me.

Realizing my faults, my strengths and the little cracks of her life that I sunk into without even noticing. Seeing patterns that I have carried with me from past traumas, seeing those for what they really are and moving past them. That is what I need to do. And that is what I will do.

Vent.

So yesterday was a mostly Lindsey free day. She went to visit her aunt with her mom for the day. It was a good day. I didn't cry at all. In fact I found myself being mostly angry at her throughout the day. But that was my own fault. I keep building up these crazy stories in my head and then I end up believing that they're true. They affect my mood and my attitude towards a variety of people. It's kind of weird. I blame it on that insane job I had recently that drove me nuts. Literally. I felt delusional all the time. Like my head was constantly spinning and life never stood still for me to see how it really was. I don't know if that makes any sense. But I was really crazy for a minute.

It has taken me a long time to re-coop. I was doing really well with my progress after leaving and seeing a therapist for a couple of months. I had a job which I was really lucky to have found at the time. It was extremely laid back and casual. No mental break downs. I think that is why I am so incredibly scared to get another job. I'm still at the same company and it is still just as relaxed. I frequently find myself getting worked up over something so minor, and throwing myself into a tizzy and the I actually get to work, and things are fine. Life is good.

As far as mental progress now, I am at a stand still. I really need to get to a therapist who can do for me what my last one did. Just talk, have a one on one conversation where I talk and tell her my irrational fears and where I think they come from. We can talk about my dad. We can talk about my relationship. And eventually she knows my whole life story and is able to tie feelings into past experiences when I can't see that for myself. She was really good at validating me. Making me feel like I was important. What I thought and cared about really mattered. That I wasn't crazy. That's what I was looking for at that point in my life. That is what I still need I think. I am much better now a days. My memory has always sucked, but during that stressful time it was gone. I couldn't recall what I had for lunch in the same day. I had panic attacks like crazy. All for a stupid receptionist job for $9 an hour, in the hopes of having that as a reference so I could make $13-$15/hr here.... And it didn't matter anyway.

I had no plans of ranting out this for this long. But apparently that is what needed to come out! I love Natalie Goldberg. She is an author who writes about writing. In one of her books (I can't quite recall which one, I've read a ton of her books) she tells you to just write. Don't think, don't edit, don't stop. Just go. One of her writing exercises (my favorite) consists of starting with a phrase like, "I remember" or "I feel" and just write. Write whatever you remember, whatever comes to mind. Time yourself and go for 10 minutes without stopping. When you come to a brain fart and feel like staring at the page or rereading what you just wrote, start that phrase over again, and just continue for the full time. She says it is a way to get to know yourself and all the crap that is in your head. You churn through the bad stuff, and eventually, rarely, you'll write something that is good. And you'll say, Ooh, Look... Something worth while! But you should always keep the bad stuff too. That way months later you can return to read what your brain comes up with when it's not thinking, but when it's writing. When it's processing. You get to know yourself better that way.

So that is what I have been doing. Granted, most of the time I have been trying to keep on the break up subject. But tonight, my brain needed a break apparently. : )

All the Signs

I was awoken to a bright light with rustling about the room this morning. It was Lindsey. She was getting her watch and whatever else she felt she needed for a day long trip with her mom. It sounded like the two of them were packing up to move away forever, with how much stuff they sounded as if they were taking.

Lindsey slept in the bed with me night before last. We decided against the whole, her sleeping in the living room thing. Rather, I decided. I told her it was pointless for her to have to sleep out on a very uncomfortable bed when this is her bed. I told her I didn't care if she slept in here, it wouldn't bother me. That we've slept in the same bed for a year and a half and it would be fine. Besides, it's not like we had sex anyway. So she agreed, hesitantly.

But last night, Lindsey kept sleeping on the couch during a movie, and I kept asking her if she was going to go to bed. At first she kept responding, "I just want to lay here for a little bit." Eventually I asked and she told me she was going to sleep with her mom because she was "getting up so early" to leave today.... But, wait a second. It was about the same time she gets up every morning for work.... And she used to have to get up at 4am to get to work, and I slept through that also. My point is this: She doesn't want to sleep here.

She doesn't want to stay close to me. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. She wants to have a friendship with me where we have no sex or physical contact ever, but still wants to have a deep and meaningful fun friendship with me at the same time. Which is fine, now that I'm looking at it from a more rational perspective.

I think our main difference in this mess is that she is thinking that we will not get back together, while telling me that she wouldn't rule it out. And being the chaotic mess that I am right now, I hear that as we can work it out someday, and that I shouldn't move on just yet. Well guess what. I need to. I need to move as far away from this as mentally possible. Otherwise this is going to turn into one of those weird friendships where it's super awkward and I end up hating her because I feel like she led me on, when all the while she feels like she's being honest. And she has. From the beginning night she told me she doesn't want to be like her dad and Karen, divorced but still shacking up. She said, "It's just weird."

I really would love to learn how to listen to her words now. I feel like our entire relationship I have always tried to guess what she was thinking or feeling, or guess what she meant by one thing when really what she meant was exactly what she said. I just need to listen. I need to get over the fact that it' weird not telling her I love her every time she leaves. Get over the fact that we don't and should not kiss anymore. Get over the fact that we are no longer together, however weird that may seem at the moment. We live together for crying outloud. Of course it is going to be weird.

I get kind of mad at her sometimes when I think about how I think there were signs of this coming before it happened. Then I stop and think, Well why am I allowed to get mad? I was thinking the same thing, probably way before she was. But the fact that she didn't want to have sex with me. The fact that the last time we tried, I physically couldn't have sex with her at first, because her body wouldn't let me and it hurt her too much. I wasn't even doing anything when it started hurting. I've always done the same things in bed. My techniques haven't changed, so it's hard for me to grasp that her desires or needs sexually changed, while I stayed the same.

There was a time in our relationship where the passion was just sucked right out, and it never returned again. That was months and months ago. One day we were having passionate mind blowing sex in which I was confident that my crying afterwards was an emotional release. Then almost like over night, that was just all gone, and soon I found myself crying during or after sex with no emotional release. But more of an emotional burden because I could feel it. She wasn't there anymore. She was gone and lost never to return again.

I kept dreaming of a time when things would go back to normal. But the truth is that was what became normal. Once the new takes over and is the new norm, there is no going back except if that bond is shattered all together. I need to accept that what was once there just isn't now. She cares about me, yes, she loves me, yes. But she is not in love with me. She does not want a relationship with sex and love and babies and marriage and a white picket fence. No, she just wants a friendship. So I need to let go.

And god letting go would be so much easier if we didn't fucking live together.

Getting it Together

I enrolled in college tonight. As of now I will be focusing my studies on Sociology and Psychology. Those are what interest me the most. Social and Behavorial studies. Sex studies. Sexual health, sexuality, LGBT.. I'm hoping I can turn those interests into some type of rewarding career some day. I'm not really going into college with much expectation other than to find myself. I know I will find what I want to do. And I'm okay if it is something completely different than I've ever expected. That would kind of be nice.

I'm a bit confused on the whole process. I feel like there is just this whirl wind of things going on with college apps, scholarships, loans, credits, tests and prereqs. I think I am doing it right so far?

I'm really excited. I know it is weird but looking back on being in school I miss studying, writing papers and doing math homework. It has been 3, count them: One, Two, THREE years since I have been in a math class. Or a science class for that matter. Shit it's been 3 years since I've done any kind of real class besides writing/English. I definitely miss it. And I'm also glad I'm not going to be a screw up anymore and put off college until one day I'm old sick and dying and I realize I never did it. I'm glad I am.

It kinda makes me wanna be like, see, Lindsey.. I can do something I put my mind to.. She has never said that I don't. But I know she thinks it. Everyone does because it is true. I always get these great amazing ideas and never follow through with them. I want her to see me doing this and be like, Damn.. She's really doing it!

That's right. I am also going to fit into my damn pants again! all of them!! The ones that were once baggy and are too freakin tight right now, will once again be baggy. I will be able to shop without completely wanting to off myself. I got my hair cut and colored today. It is really short with some spunk and spike through the middle. Just how I like it. Off my ears and off my neck, short and beautiful! I colored it from light faded shitty red the other day, to a dark brown that I hated. So today I put some reds back into it. It's still very dark with a plum color that glistens in the light. I'm loooving it. I changed my make up also. I bought new eye colors. So now I'm using about 5 different ones to make an array of beautiful bronzes, browns and silvers. It's looking very pretty these days. I'm quite proud!

I'm such an emotional wreck right now, I am all over the board. From loving and missing Lindsey to resenting her, to being excited it's over, to contemplating throwing myself on the ground and begging her back. Missing an old love, not caring about anything, and back to missing and loving Lindsey. I need to just cool it and get ahold of myself! Take a breather and stop thinking for a while.. Stop worrying about what is not here right now. We have a month before school or my apartment actually get here. Right now all I have to do is work and hang out with my sister, and try to find some friends. Not think about love or pain or hurt or sadness or memories. Soon I will scream if I don't just get it together.

Don't Sit Still

Last night was really hard. It was the first official 24 hour mark from when we broke up. We still tell each other we love each other, because we do. We just don't say it as often. Maybe once a day. I expressed to her last night that I need my space. I need myself. I need my own apartment, whether we choose to work things out eventually or not. I would love to stay with her. She is my best friend. If we can't then I will respect that. But I feel silly giving up now. When we're so close to January when she has insurance and can do to the doctor for her sex drive issues. So close to not living with her mom... I know that may sound contradictory to what I just said. I'm aware. I'm confused.
I love having my own place. My own space, my own things, it can get as messy or clean as I want it to be. If i don't feel like doing the dishes for a day, then oh well. I get to organize and put things where I want them to be. I don't have to consult anyone about anything. I can just do it. I can turn my music up at night and dance and clean. Or I can sit in silence and meditate, or I can do yoga. I can do laundry on my own time and watch movies in between, or color my hair, or randomly do my make up. All these  may seem like things that would be easy to do while living with someone. But they're not. Knowing that there is someone in the bedroom next to me laying there waiting to be cuddled or sleeping so sweetly.... It just makes me want to be near them all the time. Which cuts out my own time to dance or sing or take long hot baths, draining the water when it gets cold and filling it up again. All of this I love. Once when I lived alone, I took a 2.5 hour bath. I had the candles lit, the lights dimmed, and my ipod flowing with music I loved. I can cook late at night and not worry about being loud or making messes. I can just be.
I also love living with Lindsey. I remember when we first moved in together. We were both so excited. I was a little scared that all my freedoms and alone time would go out the window, and boy was I right. But it was incredible at first. Our things came together so beautifully and we started to share clothes and shoes and make up. Along the way we started to get more and more pictures of the two of us, and really build up our memory bank. We've done everything together from hike, to fly across a huge sky with thousands and thousands of feet of empty air below us. We've gone clubbing, A LOT, dieted together, failed together, road tripped together, cried our eyes out together. We love each other.
She doesnt' think she is the type of person who can do a relationship when she doesn't live with me, at least now that we do live together. I think it could work. And it kind of makes me resent her for her wanting to just give up and let this fail. But there is nothing I can do about that. I have my feelings and she has hers. And that is that.
I also have always hated when she says things like, "What's meant to be will happen." I even say that quote. But the way she says it, the meaning behind hers is different than mine. Mine is in a positive way. What happens happens for a reason, period, you will be stronger, and a better person for it eventually. Her way, it's more like... "If it happens, it happens."... Aka, If we find ourselves having sex tonight, then we'll be having sex. But my problem with that is that sex is a physical act, someone has to get the idea through their brains that they want a sexual occurance to happen. Then, that person has to act upon that idea and make a move. It doesn't just "happen." You have to make it happen. If you just sit there and watch tv all night until you fall asleep, obviously there is going to be no sex had. Same thing with getting back into a relationship. You have to make it happen. You have to want for it to happen. If you just sit still, you will be sitting there until you get up.

Breaking up is Harder in Day Light

It's now the next day, my eyes are swollen and my heart is hurt. We've decided to move onto the seperation stage now. She will be sleeping on the pull out couch because she gets up earlier than me, and would otherwise wake me up every morning getting ready and moving throughout the living room.

I split the closet in half this morning, her stuff on one side, mine on the other. She sat on the bed and cried watching while I moved everything around. When she left I seperated our underware and sock drawers. I ended up with more clothes than I thought. I figured I'd have a few shirts, one pair of jeans, and so on.. We share so much of our lives. This is really like a divorce. Tonight we will go through all the boxes we moved here with that are sitting in the garage. That will be incredibly hard and we will definitely cry through the entire process. Seperating the life we've built together and watching all our future plans for traditions for Christmas and other family things also, just get destroyed in the way of our chaos. All the memories we have together of hiking and just loving each other.

We're being amazing to each other now though, giving each other what we want. The clothes I want I get, the ones she wants she gets. She gave me the rest of the cash in our savings jar, since i will be on my own and she'll be living with her mom for a while. She's scared that she will be stuck here until she is 40. She won't though. Life will be weird and hard for her without me, once she moves into her own place. She gets scared easily and as never lived alone. Some day that time will come. And I think she will be scared.
I'm even scared of that part. It's been over a year since I've lived alone. Since I've come home late at night to an empty place. Had to grocery shop for myself, by myself. It's a scary lonely world without her, and for her without me.

We told our moms today. They were both sad. Her mom is amazing enough to let me stay here unitl I move into my apartment. I really need a new job before that happens. I can make it like, the first month.. But I have to buy a new bed and new dishes first thing for sure... My mom is going to send me money for Christmas.. I hope it is a lot, because I need a lot.  My grandma knows we're together, but I've never actually told her that. I think it would be weird to call her up and tell her we broke up when it wasn't even me who told her we were together. Plus she will worry about me.

We've agreed not to annouce it over facebook just yet. Talking about it to a thousand different people is not what we want to do right now.

I keep doubting what we're doing. thinking we're crazy for doing this. That we are meant to be together and that relationships are hard, and take work. That we can work through this. But we've been trying to work through this for almost a year now... It is time to let go and grow into the people we really want to be.
Being her friend is going to be weird. I still love her, I'm still very much in love with her. As she said last night, love just isn't enough anymore.

Breaking up is Hard

This is day 1 of the horrendous break up. Actually, it's only been a few hours. It is late, she is sleeping in the next room, and I just need to talk.
My chest is tight and there feels like there is a ball in my throat. My eyes keep tearing and stopping, tearing and stopping. I get excited for a second because I realize the freedom I've so desperately longed for is finally here. But first comes the grieving.
It is a twisted mess because we live together, with her mom. We just moved to another state together, and in order to get here money wise, we sold all my furniture. Most of that money is gone now, spent on bills, and stupid shit like going out to eat to see her friends. I have no bed, no couch. The only things I have are my computer, SOME clothes (we mostly share) a really nice TV, an old vcr/dvd player, a super nice guitar and some decorative things for my apartment I will be moving into in about a month.
How that happened was we found a place online, after touring a thousand different properties, I went and viewed the place alone, fell absolutely head over heels in love with it, she came and viewed it the next day, and that night we put a holding deposit down. Both our names are on the future lease, and I'm scared to take her name off. They combined our credit scores to determine a security deposit, and there was none. I don't want to take her name off and have to end up paying more money because of it. If she's fine with it, so am I.
I'm hoping my mom will lend me some money to buy a bed with. Then eventually I will buy a couch and coffee table and kitchen table again. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I lost it all. It's all gone. Everything I worked to build up over my first year on my own. It's just gone now. That makes me really sad, and I feel like I should never put myself in a serious relationship again, for fear that I will lose everything again, and that next time or the time after that it'll be big things that I cannot afford to lose.
I need a new job. Mine sucks the big one. It is part time at a sex store, working 20-25 hours per week at $8.50 an hour plus some crappy commission sometimes. I figured we'd move in together, get settled, and either a) things would work out better then and we could stretch it out for a bit longer like last time or b).... I don't even remember what b was supposed to be now.
I'm missing her, even though she is in the next room and I will soon curl up next to her in bed (this will be happening until my apartment.... And don't worry, we never had sex anymore anyway.)
I want us to work things out. I love her so much. She's my best friend. My rock. My crutch, my safety net.  My love.