Today was a really good day. I caught myself off guard with all of my positive emotions! I was feeling great about being just friends with Lindsey, I was confident in my decision about leaving, and again feeling that it was the right thing to do. I read a lot of that Sextrology book I talked about earlier.... Some how reading about my sign helps me to validate who I am. It's like I've been searching my whole life for who I want to be, how I want to move, talk, sit, everything. And when I read about my sign it makes me proud to be a Capricorn, proud to be just who I am, and no one else. It makes me see my quirks in a different light and not only see them, but appreciate them. My odd prudence is ok, something I even admire in myself now. I love learning about new things that are so Capricorn of me. They're not just this weird quality about myself that I've hated forever, but now they are so Capricorn, so me.
I totally broke the whole 30 day cleanse thing last night. I am thinking now, that I shouldn't stifle my sexual nature, but I should embrace it. That is what I was lacking the ability to do in my relationship, so what better way to regain my creative sexual spirit than to practice it by myself?
I found another book I really want from work today. It is called "Super Hot Sex". We've had it forever but it sounded cheesy so I never even looked at it. But today I saw it and thought, "I could use some super hot sex." I started reading and it is exactly what I need to hear right now! It talks about the differences in peoples libidos and how important it is to find someone you match with. I was under the impression during my relationship that it's bound to happen that you find someone opposite of you sex-drive-wise. I was way wrong!! Those relationships and the ones where you find yourself settling, and that is exactly what I did. I had all the other parts of a wonderful healthy realtionship, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a little greedy. Wanting to actually be happy in bed and out of bed, oh my! That is so farfetched! *Gasp!*
Not.
This new girl who was a possible interest is no longer. I decided that I am not going to settle next time. I am not going to date someone because they are attractive, or because they're funny but nothing else fits quite right... Or if I am not excited. That is a huge thing for me. I weigh the possibilities very heavily after the first date because if I walk away calm and not peeing my pants ecstatic about this new person, I am (and always have been) a firm believer that if you continue to see that person who doesn't make you excited, you are settling. I hate to say it, but that is what I did with Lindsey in the beginning. That is the reason I didn't see her again after the first date for about 2 months. I wasn't into her, I knew she could be a great friend, but the butterflies weren't there. Later I talked myself into calling her back up because she was pretty interesting, and she was pretty cute, especially with her newer short hair!
Never again will I do that. I am raising the bar and it's going to stay there. I told Morgan (my coworker) tonight that the next person I date will be very open and excited to try new things of all kinds sexually. Whether it's having sex in public, in the car, in the rear, with toys or without, in the shower or hot tub, in the back of their parents house in the woods. The next person I date will be down for anything new and will work with me to keep the relationship awesome. Because I will not date anyone who isn't like that.
(Disclaimer: I am not saying they have to like everything we try, but be willing to try it!)
I want someone who pushes my boundaries and who is affectionate towards me, in bed and in public. Not someone to make out with in front of people but someone who will hold my hand, or put their arm around me. Someone who will rub my thigh when we're sitting, someone who is out and proud of their sexuality, and loves being gay just as much as I do. Someone feisty enough to keep up with me but mellow enough to be lazy all day and hang out on the couch. Someone very sexually active and who cares more about making love to me than watching an entire movie. Someone who will have sex whenever the mood strikes, like say, if we fight in the kitchen and need to have a make up session, right there on the kitchen floor.
There are so many things I have been missing out on!! Someday this person will come into my life and turn my world around. I've decided not to search for them, but to just let it happen. Mingle and go out and meet new people, and see where life takes me without me forcing it!
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