Vent.

So yesterday was a mostly Lindsey free day. She went to visit her aunt with her mom for the day. It was a good day. I didn't cry at all. In fact I found myself being mostly angry at her throughout the day. But that was my own fault. I keep building up these crazy stories in my head and then I end up believing that they're true. They affect my mood and my attitude towards a variety of people. It's kind of weird. I blame it on that insane job I had recently that drove me nuts. Literally. I felt delusional all the time. Like my head was constantly spinning and life never stood still for me to see how it really was. I don't know if that makes any sense. But I was really crazy for a minute.

It has taken me a long time to re-coop. I was doing really well with my progress after leaving and seeing a therapist for a couple of months. I had a job which I was really lucky to have found at the time. It was extremely laid back and casual. No mental break downs. I think that is why I am so incredibly scared to get another job. I'm still at the same company and it is still just as relaxed. I frequently find myself getting worked up over something so minor, and throwing myself into a tizzy and the I actually get to work, and things are fine. Life is good.

As far as mental progress now, I am at a stand still. I really need to get to a therapist who can do for me what my last one did. Just talk, have a one on one conversation where I talk and tell her my irrational fears and where I think they come from. We can talk about my dad. We can talk about my relationship. And eventually she knows my whole life story and is able to tie feelings into past experiences when I can't see that for myself. She was really good at validating me. Making me feel like I was important. What I thought and cared about really mattered. That I wasn't crazy. That's what I was looking for at that point in my life. That is what I still need I think. I am much better now a days. My memory has always sucked, but during that stressful time it was gone. I couldn't recall what I had for lunch in the same day. I had panic attacks like crazy. All for a stupid receptionist job for $9 an hour, in the hopes of having that as a reference so I could make $13-$15/hr here.... And it didn't matter anyway.

I had no plans of ranting out this for this long. But apparently that is what needed to come out! I love Natalie Goldberg. She is an author who writes about writing. In one of her books (I can't quite recall which one, I've read a ton of her books) she tells you to just write. Don't think, don't edit, don't stop. Just go. One of her writing exercises (my favorite) consists of starting with a phrase like, "I remember" or "I feel" and just write. Write whatever you remember, whatever comes to mind. Time yourself and go for 10 minutes without stopping. When you come to a brain fart and feel like staring at the page or rereading what you just wrote, start that phrase over again, and just continue for the full time. She says it is a way to get to know yourself and all the crap that is in your head. You churn through the bad stuff, and eventually, rarely, you'll write something that is good. And you'll say, Ooh, Look... Something worth while! But you should always keep the bad stuff too. That way months later you can return to read what your brain comes up with when it's not thinking, but when it's writing. When it's processing. You get to know yourself better that way.

So that is what I have been doing. Granted, most of the time I have been trying to keep on the break up subject. But tonight, my brain needed a break apparently. : )