After spending some much needed quality time with my sister yesterday, and after long theraputic talks, I discovered something that I had not yet realized before. My relationship was toxic. That may sound like it should have been obvious to me before this. But it wasn't all that apparent.
My relationship was toxic, for me, that is. For my health, for my emotions, for my confidence, for my body, for my mind and my heart. Everything that made up Whitney and why Whitney is different and the things Whitney likes to do or does not like, it was all stripped away. I went from being a healthy in control eater, for the first time in my life, to slipping and eating the worst possible foods after sex. To gaining 30+ lbs from my weight at the beginning. To having no confidence. To doing the extreme to try to gain back the previous attention and love that I so desperately was seeking. To eventually associating sex with discomfort and heavy heartedness. And believe me, NONE of those things are what I want to be, do, or think.
It also hit me last night that the reason I would ever want to go back to living a chaotic messy life like that, (other than the fact that I am living a very out of sorts life at the moment, still involved somewhat in this choas, having to look at it and watch the life I HAD walk past me every day) is because it is safe. It is what I've known for the last year and a half, and I think everyone at some point is a little afraid of change. So there is nothing wrong with that. But realizing it is a very important step in healing for me.
Realizing my faults, my strengths and the little cracks of her life that I sunk into without even noticing. Seeing patterns that I have carried with me from past traumas, seeing those for what they really are and moving past them. That is what I need to do. And that is what I will do.
No comments:
Post a Comment