I was awoken to a bright light with rustling about the room this morning. It was Lindsey. She was getting her watch and whatever else she felt she needed for a day long trip with her mom. It sounded like the two of them were packing up to move away forever, with how much stuff they sounded as if they were taking.
Lindsey slept in the bed with me night before last. We decided against the whole, her sleeping in the living room thing. Rather, I decided. I told her it was pointless for her to have to sleep out on a very uncomfortable bed when this is her bed. I told her I didn't care if she slept in here, it wouldn't bother me. That we've slept in the same bed for a year and a half and it would be fine. Besides, it's not like we had sex anyway. So she agreed, hesitantly.
But last night, Lindsey kept sleeping on the couch during a movie, and I kept asking her if she was going to go to bed. At first she kept responding, "I just want to lay here for a little bit." Eventually I asked and she told me she was going to sleep with her mom because she was "getting up so early" to leave today.... But, wait a second. It was about the same time she gets up every morning for work.... And she used to have to get up at 4am to get to work, and I slept through that also. My point is this: She doesn't want to sleep here.
She doesn't want to stay close to me. She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. She wants to have a friendship with me where we have no sex or physical contact ever, but still wants to have a deep and meaningful fun friendship with me at the same time. Which is fine, now that I'm looking at it from a more rational perspective.
I think our main difference in this mess is that she is thinking that we will not get back together, while telling me that she wouldn't rule it out. And being the chaotic mess that I am right now, I hear that as we can work it out someday, and that I shouldn't move on just yet. Well guess what. I need to. I need to move as far away from this as mentally possible. Otherwise this is going to turn into one of those weird friendships where it's super awkward and I end up hating her because I feel like she led me on, when all the while she feels like she's being honest. And she has. From the beginning night she told me she doesn't want to be like her dad and Karen, divorced but still shacking up. She said, "It's just weird."
I really would love to learn how to listen to her words now. I feel like our entire relationship I have always tried to guess what she was thinking or feeling, or guess what she meant by one thing when really what she meant was exactly what she said. I just need to listen. I need to get over the fact that it' weird not telling her I love her every time she leaves. Get over the fact that we don't and should not kiss anymore. Get over the fact that we are no longer together, however weird that may seem at the moment. We live together for crying outloud. Of course it is going to be weird.
I get kind of mad at her sometimes when I think about how I think there were signs of this coming before it happened. Then I stop and think, Well why am I allowed to get mad? I was thinking the same thing, probably way before she was. But the fact that she didn't want to have sex with me. The fact that the last time we tried, I physically couldn't have sex with her at first, because her body wouldn't let me and it hurt her too much. I wasn't even doing anything when it started hurting. I've always done the same things in bed. My techniques haven't changed, so it's hard for me to grasp that her desires or needs sexually changed, while I stayed the same.
There was a time in our relationship where the passion was just sucked right out, and it never returned again. That was months and months ago. One day we were having passionate mind blowing sex in which I was confident that my crying afterwards was an emotional release. Then almost like over night, that was just all gone, and soon I found myself crying during or after sex with no emotional release. But more of an emotional burden because I could feel it. She wasn't there anymore. She was gone and lost never to return again.
I kept dreaming of a time when things would go back to normal. But the truth is that was what became normal. Once the new takes over and is the new norm, there is no going back except if that bond is shattered all together. I need to accept that what was once there just isn't now. She cares about me, yes, she loves me, yes. But she is not in love with me. She does not want a relationship with sex and love and babies and marriage and a white picket fence. No, she just wants a friendship. So I need to let go.
And god letting go would be so much easier if we didn't fucking live together.
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