30 day Cleanse

I cried tonight at a very unexpected moment. It brought back flash backs and feelings of the past and I realized that I am more broken than I thought. I have come to many realizations in the last couple of days. This is the most shocking of all I think.

I am broken sexually. I don't think I can have sex with another human being until I fix this part of me that is broken. I am scarred deep from this traumatic occurrence in my life. Sex is now an emotional thing. As much as my head wants to tell my heart and my tear ducts that sex is a wonderful, uplifting, awakening experience, my heart is cracked. It is beaten and bruised and I have to repair it before it can go on loving in any way again.

It hit me tonight. I can cry. I can miss the past. But that doesn't change the way that I feel, the pain I experienced during the past 6-8 months. That pain runs so deeply through me that it consumes me. I just have to let it consume me for a while.

I'm not talking about the painful break up. Rather, the neglect and rejection my heart and head endured during the relationship. It is hard to put into words correctly. The relationship started breaking my heart a long time ago. I am such a passionate person that I feel everything so much more deeply than most. I feel love and pain much more significantly. I am a torn soul and I have to mend myself.

I am going to go on a 30 day cleanse. I am going to detox my system of all the pain and harm I've caused it over the course of the last year and a half. I am going to break down sexual and emotional barriers I didn't even realize were there until tonight. For the next 30 days, I will not have sex of any kind, with anyone, including myself. For the next 30 days, I will eat only pure foods and cleanse my physical self as well. I will cry when I want to cry, no matter where I am. Because I am learning that tears are the bodies way of getting out the toxic emotions inside you. I will meditate. Take long hot baths, listen to new music that pulls on my heartstrings. I will live loudly and not apologize for myself. I will move on.

This is not about anyone feeling bad for me, or pitying me. This is about me. Getting to a place where I can have sexually awakening experiences, pure pleasure. Where there are no road or mental blocks.

This is going to be so hard. But nothing easy is ever worth it.