It's now the next day, my eyes are swollen and my heart is hurt. We've decided to move onto the seperation stage now. She will be sleeping on the pull out couch because she gets up earlier than me, and would otherwise wake me up every morning getting ready and moving throughout the living room.
I split the closet in half this morning, her stuff on one side, mine on the other. She sat on the bed and cried watching while I moved everything around. When she left I seperated our underware and sock drawers. I ended up with more clothes than I thought. I figured I'd have a few shirts, one pair of jeans, and so on.. We share so much of our lives. This is really like a divorce. Tonight we will go through all the boxes we moved here with that are sitting in the garage. That will be incredibly hard and we will definitely cry through the entire process. Seperating the life we've built together and watching all our future plans for traditions for Christmas and other family things also, just get destroyed in the way of our chaos. All the memories we have together of hiking and just loving each other.
We're being amazing to each other now though, giving each other what we want. The clothes I want I get, the ones she wants she gets. She gave me the rest of the cash in our savings jar, since i will be on my own and she'll be living with her mom for a while. She's scared that she will be stuck here until she is 40. She won't though. Life will be weird and hard for her without me, once she moves into her own place. She gets scared easily and as never lived alone. Some day that time will come. And I think she will be scared.
I'm even scared of that part. It's been over a year since I've lived alone. Since I've come home late at night to an empty place. Had to grocery shop for myself, by myself. It's a scary lonely world without her, and for her without me.
We told our moms today. They were both sad. Her mom is amazing enough to let me stay here unitl I move into my apartment. I really need a new job before that happens. I can make it like, the first month.. But I have to buy a new bed and new dishes first thing for sure... My mom is going to send me money for Christmas.. I hope it is a lot, because I need a lot. My grandma knows we're together, but I've never actually told her that. I think it would be weird to call her up and tell her we broke up when it wasn't even me who told her we were together. Plus she will worry about me.
We've agreed not to annouce it over facebook just yet. Talking about it to a thousand different people is not what we want to do right now.
I keep doubting what we're doing. thinking we're crazy for doing this. That we are meant to be together and that relationships are hard, and take work. That we can work through this. But we've been trying to work through this for almost a year now... It is time to let go and grow into the people we really want to be.
Being her friend is going to be weird. I still love her, I'm still very much in love with her. As she said last night, love just isn't enough anymore.
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