This is day 1 of the horrendous break up. Actually, it's only been a few hours. It is late, she is sleeping in the next room, and I just need to talk.
My chest is tight and there feels like there is a ball in my throat. My eyes keep tearing and stopping, tearing and stopping. I get excited for a second because I realize the freedom I've so desperately longed for is finally here. But first comes the grieving.
It is a twisted mess because we live together, with her mom. We just moved to another state together, and in order to get here money wise, we sold all my furniture. Most of that money is gone now, spent on bills, and stupid shit like going out to eat to see her friends. I have no bed, no couch. The only things I have are my computer, SOME clothes (we mostly share) a really nice TV, an old vcr/dvd player, a super nice guitar and some decorative things for my apartment I will be moving into in about a month.
How that happened was we found a place online, after touring a thousand different properties, I went and viewed the place alone, fell absolutely head over heels in love with it, she came and viewed it the next day, and that night we put a holding deposit down. Both our names are on the future lease, and I'm scared to take her name off. They combined our credit scores to determine a security deposit, and there was none. I don't want to take her name off and have to end up paying more money because of it. If she's fine with it, so am I.
I'm hoping my mom will lend me some money to buy a bed with. Then eventually I will buy a couch and coffee table and kitchen table again. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I lost it all. It's all gone. Everything I worked to build up over my first year on my own. It's just gone now. That makes me really sad, and I feel like I should never put myself in a serious relationship again, for fear that I will lose everything again, and that next time or the time after that it'll be big things that I cannot afford to lose.
I need a new job. Mine sucks the big one. It is part time at a sex store, working 20-25 hours per week at $8.50 an hour plus some crappy commission sometimes. I figured we'd move in together, get settled, and either a) things would work out better then and we could stretch it out for a bit longer like last time or b).... I don't even remember what b was supposed to be now.
I'm missing her, even though she is in the next room and I will soon curl up next to her in bed (this will be happening until my apartment.... And don't worry, we never had sex anymore anyway.)
I want us to work things out. I love her so much. She's my best friend. My rock. My crutch, my safety net. My love.
That does suck getting rid of all your stuff. You just learned a life lesson. Never get rid of YOUR pocessions if it has anything to do with another person!!! I've carried all my crap EVERYWHERE with me even in storage buildings multiple times. I've worked for all that stuff and to ME, it's a symbolism of me growing up and getting all my own stuff! You will slowly acquire new stuff! Hope your Mom can give you $$ for a bed, if not , my Mom has her extra one (that I sleep in now) that I'm sure she would let you have when we all move out! :)
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