Don't Sit Still

Last night was really hard. It was the first official 24 hour mark from when we broke up. We still tell each other we love each other, because we do. We just don't say it as often. Maybe once a day. I expressed to her last night that I need my space. I need myself. I need my own apartment, whether we choose to work things out eventually or not. I would love to stay with her. She is my best friend. If we can't then I will respect that. But I feel silly giving up now. When we're so close to January when she has insurance and can do to the doctor for her sex drive issues. So close to not living with her mom... I know that may sound contradictory to what I just said. I'm aware. I'm confused.
I love having my own place. My own space, my own things, it can get as messy or clean as I want it to be. If i don't feel like doing the dishes for a day, then oh well. I get to organize and put things where I want them to be. I don't have to consult anyone about anything. I can just do it. I can turn my music up at night and dance and clean. Or I can sit in silence and meditate, or I can do yoga. I can do laundry on my own time and watch movies in between, or color my hair, or randomly do my make up. All these  may seem like things that would be easy to do while living with someone. But they're not. Knowing that there is someone in the bedroom next to me laying there waiting to be cuddled or sleeping so sweetly.... It just makes me want to be near them all the time. Which cuts out my own time to dance or sing or take long hot baths, draining the water when it gets cold and filling it up again. All of this I love. Once when I lived alone, I took a 2.5 hour bath. I had the candles lit, the lights dimmed, and my ipod flowing with music I loved. I can cook late at night and not worry about being loud or making messes. I can just be.
I also love living with Lindsey. I remember when we first moved in together. We were both so excited. I was a little scared that all my freedoms and alone time would go out the window, and boy was I right. But it was incredible at first. Our things came together so beautifully and we started to share clothes and shoes and make up. Along the way we started to get more and more pictures of the two of us, and really build up our memory bank. We've done everything together from hike, to fly across a huge sky with thousands and thousands of feet of empty air below us. We've gone clubbing, A LOT, dieted together, failed together, road tripped together, cried our eyes out together. We love each other.
She doesnt' think she is the type of person who can do a relationship when she doesn't live with me, at least now that we do live together. I think it could work. And it kind of makes me resent her for her wanting to just give up and let this fail. But there is nothing I can do about that. I have my feelings and she has hers. And that is that.
I also have always hated when she says things like, "What's meant to be will happen." I even say that quote. But the way she says it, the meaning behind hers is different than mine. Mine is in a positive way. What happens happens for a reason, period, you will be stronger, and a better person for it eventually. Her way, it's more like... "If it happens, it happens."... Aka, If we find ourselves having sex tonight, then we'll be having sex. But my problem with that is that sex is a physical act, someone has to get the idea through their brains that they want a sexual occurance to happen. Then, that person has to act upon that idea and make a move. It doesn't just "happen." You have to make it happen. If you just sit there and watch tv all night until you fall asleep, obviously there is going to be no sex had. Same thing with getting back into a relationship. You have to make it happen. You have to want for it to happen. If you just sit still, you will be sitting there until you get up.